All the things I should have said's avatar

All the things I should have said

I am in the kitchen straightening
bowls and my father is reading
the first poem I have written and
my eyes are wet because I do not
remember the last time he said
I love you and I do not remember
the last time I said I love you
and meant it. And he stands up
and turns on the tv and I
wash the dishes and go upstairs
eyes clear, face clean and maybe
this is how we say it.

I love my family, but I am proud of all of the things about myself that they hate. I am trying to exist in this space, but I’m not sure how.

I swear we are still six year old,
should have been twins,
tucked into your too hot bed
sweaty hands clutched together
so that when my mother came
to take me away you could wake up
and cry too. I dream of your house
every night now. I still wake up
screaming but our hands slipped apart
in sleeping and I am still 
not able to hold on to you.

Anonymous asked:

can you recommend people who are making music like cross country?



um…. I don’t know anybody personally. if you’re looking for people we sound like, I guess I’m not really sure about that either. 

Andy would probably be better to ask. 

Bands that we both consider influences (at least in respect to what we have up on the nets) are 

elvis depressedly
say anything
the front bottoms
U2 (early guitar riffs are andy’s fave) 
tiger’s jaw
brave bird (my favorite band presently) 
the felice brothers
the killers (absurdly underrated) 
and our all time favorite lorde song

some poets that definitely have influenced me are 

kate monica
bobby crawford
sherman alexie
pablo neruda
martin espada (v important) 
jesse parent
alfred star hamilton
kerri webster 

andy’s music and writing is a huge affect on me as well. 

honestly, most of our inspiration for the cross country thing came from two drunken nights and a trilogy of movies that andy would be happy to tell you more about. 

i can’t describe how important this project/conor harris in general are to me and i am so honored to be any part of of this list also i don’t know andy too well except that he’s amazing judging by the music he makes moral of the story: listen to cross country

I don’t know how to stop running.

When my father found out 
he did not say a word. 
He came home and made love
with a bottle opener.
He did not say a word.

So darling, when you ask me
why I’m angry, I will say,
anger runs through my veins.
I will say, I only ever learned
to be jealous of those who
die young.

Darling, when you ask me 
why I didn’t tell him, I will not
know the answer. I will probably 
say, I wanted one last 
pure thing in my life
. I will say,
one thing untouched by decay
and insincerity.
I will say,


I always judge how well
I am by the amount my
hands are trembling and
right now my whole body
is shaking so maybe
let’s drive out to a lake
we’ve never been to before
and pretend we don’t
exist anymore. Sometimes
I think that’s the only thing
I’m good at really so let’s
be good at something

I am so angry and I don’t know how to stop.

I want to be soft. I am tired of always fighting and always yelling and always running.