Online writing home of Rebecca Brown, friendly monster and future hermit. She also publishes under the pen name Julia Illich.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
the problem is i drive down the street
and see myself, sixteen, standing on the corner.
i went back to the old neighborhood last week
and i swear i saw jackson’s one eyed dog
still running though the lawn
even though we buried jackson’s one eyed dog
and planted strawberries in the backyard.
i could be exactly the same me
but someplace else. someplace without
every time i go past the baseball field
were we used to play i think i still see
dan racing around the bases.
my mother says dan was in an accident.
my mother says everything is ok
i want to go someplace where no one
knows my name.
— Christopher J. Knight
you don’t have my hair or my eyes and i swear
i scrutinized every inch of your fresh baby skin to see
if there is any part that looks like me and you don’t
you only look so perfectly beautiful darling
if you are anything like me you will sometimes
be sad in may but you won’t know why i’m sorry
darling i hope that you are nothing like me
i am afraid for you but you probably know
i am afraid of most everything.
there is already a look in your eyes that takes you
to a world i can never reach. i am so so afraid
you will always be someplace i can never reach
you believe in everything darling
that’s what scares me
please don’t hate me when i believe in nothing
please don’t scoff
how can i want my life for you? how can i want
you to feel nothing?
i want you to feel everything.
i want you to feel explicit happiness
i want you to see without being sad
i’m sorry i can’t show you the way
i’m fighting against myself right now because my fingers are aching to write and i’m breathing out metaphors faster than i can think but i am so so afraid because i can’t stop thinking about you and i’m afraid i will write something too beautifully true about that night and about how i’m always in love with you and about how i cried when i realized it. i can’t let myself feel that. i won’t. i can’t. i was supposed to be staring at someone else. do you understand? i see the ending every time i look at you.
i don’t think we can start all over
it doesn’t have to be all sad
I will find my place.
told my mom i was thinking about grad school and it went a lot better than i expected.
i still say your name like something holy